Wednesday, 9 August 2017

KLM in Chaos

(Warning the following events did not happen - I don't want to get sued!

KLM 'It doesn't matter who you click with'

The Royal Dutch Airline is today in chaos with all of its aeroplanes grounded after passengers believed its own publicity.

Having been engulfed by pro LGBTiQffTTz propaganda, with the tag line, "It doesn't matter who you click with" Mabel Witherington of Little Humptington said

"Well I believed what the aeroplane man said, well, you would wouldn't you, after all he's the one driving the plane, and it's his job to make sure that everything is all right."

(we chided Mabel for using such terrible stereotyping, gendering language about the pilot being male, merely because of the dangerous misogynistic view that leadership involves having that specific reproductive member. When Mabel replied that 'no, he was a man. He had a beard and a deep voice and everything' we had to remind her that we had no idea how the pilot was identifying, and that she could have been oppressing the pilot, that very moment.)

The KLM logo, the four circles represent the four LGBT elements,
with the i on its side supporting them.
The x on its top (it's not a cross, it's not) represents the subversion of the Queer identity,
redefining from binary into multifluidity.
The main problem happened when Mabel tried to board the KLM 123 flight to see her daughter Mildred in Amsterdam. Mabel continues:

"Well you see, my Mildred had shown me this picture, she'd printed it off and sent it through the post. I don't really do all these new fangled things. I can't even change the time on my video recorded. It once went haywire and it was that like for ages until that man who lives next door came round one day and I asked him if he could have a look.... [Mabel continues with this story] ... so I came  downstairs and said, 'Oh, my Mildred's written to me', and there it was, this picture. So I though, 'aren't they clever now being able to do all that nowadays with those seat belt safety things."

However, not everything was as it seemed, because when Mabel got onto her flight and the flight attendant made the announcement that they were coming around checking seatbelts and that the trays were in the upright position, Mabel's story took a terrible turn.

"You see, there was no one in the seat next to me. Which was lovely because sometimes you sit next to some one, and I'm not saying this to be nasty, I'm not like that, but sometimes I don't know how they can go out of the house without washing. A bar of soap cost's nothing, my mum used to say, God rest her soul. So there was no one there, and I had that nice picture with me that my Mildred had sent, and so I thought I'd try it. I took the flappy end bit from the seat next to me, you know the one that you put the other thing into, and I just put it beside the same one from my seat, on my lap in front of me. They looked lovely there together, both the same. Just like the picture."
But this happy state of affairs was not to last

Was this the woman responsible? No
"Then the stewardess came and said I had to use the other one and put the two together. I said 'no dear, you don't have to do that now, look it's all different nowadays. I've got a picture from your airline. It says it doesn't matter anymore.' Well, she said I had to and that it wouldn't be safe and that the aeroplane couldn't take off unless I did it right, and that was how the safety belts were designed, and that if we didn't use them in the way the manufacturer had built them, then, well, she didn't know what would happen.'
"I was all a bit confused as you can image, so I asked, 'So this picture isn't right, then? So it does matter who you click with, dear?' Well she just looked at me, and ran to the front of the aeroplane. I didn't know what was happening. All of a sudden, two security men came up to me and started dragging me off. Of course as my safety belt wasn't fastened, they could just picked me up - it really did matter after all.
"When I got past the air stewardess, she just looked at me and said 'how dare you, you evil, patriarchal, misogynistic, anti-equality old trout! It does not matter who you click with, we are all free to decide who we are, and who we love and how we live our lives. Your very breathing oppresses me.'
And I've been in this nice hospital ever since."
Mabel never made it to see her daughter.

Apparently it does matter who you click with. You have to click with the zeitgeist, no matter how wrong it is.


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